Blame it on the Alcohol
by BBboy
Summary: After their argument Blaine wants his apology from his best friend and after Kurt has missing school for a week and not answering any messages or calls he decides to go confront Kurt in his own home. trigger warning. somewhat happy ending. no one actually dies.
1. Apologize

Blaine saw Kurt. He saw Kurt when he walked into the Lima Bean and stood in line. He was just still mad about their fight and chose to ignore him, wanting to cool off before confronting Kurt and asking for his apology. Besides why should Blaine apologize first it wasn't like he was in the wrong. But now, after that kiss with Rachel all he wanted to do was tell Kurt how awful their date was and how he preferred to do those things with him, just as friends though not as a date. Blaine looked up from washing his hands into the mirror thinking of the best wording to ask Kurt why he reacted like that when Blaine was going through his crisis.

He took a deep breath to calm his nerves and walked out of the restroom scanning the coffee shop for Kurt, only to find that he was nowhere in sight. Maybe Blaine would just try to catch him at school or text or something instead.

He heard that Kurt was sick. However after a week with no sign of Kurt at school, which was weird because Kurt wasn't the kid to miss more than a day or two of school, and him not responding to his calls, texts, Facebook messages, Blaine had no choice but to make his way over to Kurt's house, after making a quick stop to pick up some wonton soup, ginger-ale, Gatorade, and some movies as a get well care package as a peace offering. He knocked a few times and waited.

He wasn't as ready as he thought he was. Mr. Hummel, Kurt's father, answered the door, towering over him with a curious look. What if Kurt told him about their stupid fight? "You're the kid who was hung-over in my son's bed."

And oh yeah Blaine forgot about that, he was eight-five percent sure that Mr. Hummel would be closing the door on him any second now, "Sir, I'm here to see how Kurt is, I heard he's sick and I brought soup, not homemade, or well I didn't make it, but someone had to have made it-" Blaine suddenly had come down with a case of word vomit as he rushed out as many words he could fit in.

"Whoa kid slow down, no need to have a panic attack. Yeah you can go see him, it's probably good you're here he's been acting really out of it lately. He could use some cheering up."

Blaine took a deep breath and walked in assuming that Mr. Hummel had not heard about his and Kurt's spat.

Burt led him up the stairs and knocked on Kurt's bedroom doorframe before entering. "Hey, kiddo your friend Blaine is here to see you."

Blaine's heart sank a little as he saw a lump in a bed and the covers pulled all the way up over his head. Mr. Hummel patted him on the shoulder before announcing that he would leave them be. Blaine cleared his throat a little not sure where to start. "Hey Kurt, I uh … I heard you were not feeling well so I brought you some soup and drinks and movies." No response "We haven't really spoken recently or hung out or anything so I thought maybe we could watch one or two together if you are feeling up to it." No response. Blaine rubbed the back of his neck trying to keep calm. "Really? You're going to act that immature and ignore me when I am trying really hard to get over that stupid argument?" so much for calm.

"I'm sorry"

Those were the words Blaine wanted to hear but they didn't settle right with Blaine, Kurt sounded so small and broken, he just wanted Kurt to apologize for not being as supportive as he should have been, even if he was right in the end.

"I'll leave peacefully, please just don't tell the school," Kurt sounded so defeated, more so than when Blaine first met Kurt.

And now Blaine was seriously confused, tell the school what? There was nothing to tell the school. They just got into a small spat, maybe a little bigger than that but nothing too serious.

"I just … I don't want my dad to look at me differently, he's still getting used to the whole is son is flamin' fag-" Kurt's word slowly became more aggressive and hateful, and held a disgusted tone in his voice. Blaine's sunken heart began to rise in his throat.

"Don't say those things- those-those words!" 'And when you say them about yourself they make my skin crawl and blood boil' Blaine silently added still confused as to what exactly Kurt was talking about. It was silent for a few moments before Blaine spoke again, "Kurt will you please come out from under the covers and have a real conversation with me, we need to talk about this and I want to talk to you about this not your duvet." Blaine knew his voice was close to begging but he just wanted a real conversation with Kurt.

"Please leave me alone," Kurt begged back sounding small, quiet, and defeated again.

"Fine!" Blaine spat out, if Kurt didn't want to fix this then that wasn't his problem, he tried.

He made his way down the stairs mumbling to himself, when Carole surprised him at the bottom step.

"Blaine, I didn't know you were here," Carole said with false cheer when Blaine was trying to storm out of here before breaking down and crying in front of anyone.

"Oh-uh-yeah, I um –I stopped by to see Kurt-" he said unsure of what to say. He finally looked up trying his best to be a polite gentleman and guest. He then noticed Carole also looked unsure of something as well.

"How is he feeling?" She asked hesitantly, and curiously.

"I wouldn't know, he wouldn't really talk to me" his tone more spiteful than it was meant to be.

"Is everything okay?" she sounded like she knew the answer, but he could have been wrong, maybe she was just curious and caring.

"Um well, Kurt and I had a tiff and just, I thought we could get over it, but maybe not," he sighed looking down at the floor unsure of what else to say or do.

There was now an awkward silence and stiffness in the air, and Blaine realized that it wasn't only Kurt that was keeping information. Carole finally stepped in placing a soft hand on his arm, speaking softly "Blaine, did Kurt tell you anything about why he missed so much school?"

"No, I just heard from someone that he was sick, and I thought I would visit him and try to …" he trailed off not wanting to admit he wanted to pull an apology from Kurt. "Excuse me for saying this but I'm not sure I should be talking about my fight with Kurt with you."

"I understand that, and I am not asking you to tell me about your fight with Kurt, that's between you two, but there is something I think you need to know." She led him over to the dining room table "Please take a seat. Is there anything I can get you to eat or drink?"

"Um … no, no thank you."

"Okay, just stay there for a sec I will be right back." She then hurried off into the kitchen. Blaine sat there as he overheard Carol talking to Finn in the kitchen, "Finn, please go up and sit with Kurt. Take him up a snack and see if you can get him to eat something." He didn't have a lot of time to think about Carol's words to Finn before they both exited the kitchen Finn heading up the stairs and Carol sitting down at the table with Blaine. He thought for a moment she had known about their argument but figured it would be unlikely, if Burt had not known there was a low percentage that Kurt talked to her about it. He began to wonder who Kurt would talk to about it … usually he talked to Blaine about everything. Blaine didn't have anyone to talk to about it since he talked to Kurt about everything. He tried talking to his brother about it but that just ended in a disaster.

"There is no easy way to say this, but I know you and Kurt are best friends so I feel you deserve to know," She paused taking a breath and wiping some tears from her eyes. "Blaine, Kurt, he … honey, Kurt's on suicide watch."

And there it was, Blaine watched as everything just shattered around him.

"I just thought you should know, that it isn't you that Kurt doesn't want to talk to or isn't talking to, he is just not really speaking or talking to anyone right now."

"Did he...?" he found himself unable to ask the words; it was all getting caught in his throat.

"Yes, Burt found him in time for the paramedics come pump his stomach"

Blaine felt sick. How could Kurt not tell him how he was feeing? They're supposed to be best friends. He paused suddenly hating himself. If they're best friends then Blaine should have noticed something was off with Kurt, he should have noticed Kurt stopped sharing his ideas and opinions in Warbler practice and that he stopped auditioning for solos or leads or features. He should have noticed Kurt started flying under the radar instead of standing out and that he stopped making jokes and laughing, that he was smiling less. He should have noticed how tired Kurt looked. He should have noticed.

"Blaine …?"

Oh right Carole was still sitting there waiting for him to react or say something. "huh?" …. "Oh Sorry, um can I …? Uh may I talk to Kurt?"

"Sure, will you be staying for dinner?"

"If it's alright with Kurt"

"I am sure he would love it"

Blaine made his way slowly up the stairs something bad settling in the pit of his stomach or maybe his heart all he knew was something hurt and didn't feel right. Maybe nerves. Kurt was almost gone and he just … well not yelled, but his tone wasn't friendly either. He paused in the doorway. "Finn do you mind if I talk to Kurt for a little?"

"No sure … Kurt I'm just going to be in my room so if you need me come get me." Finn left quickly patting Kurt on what Blaine assumed was a foot.

"Hey, Kurt" … "Is it okay that I sit here?" Blaine asked unsure. Kurt didn't say anything, he just slightly nodded and Blaine sat down on the foot of the bed. It was silent as Blaine started noticing the lack of doors in Kurt's room and the missing scarf collection. He closed his eyes focusing on what he wanted to say, not wanting to see anymore. "I'm sorry for fighting with you. I honestly came here to make up because I miss you. Can I … What were you talking about earlier? Leaving school?"

"I just thought that was what you would want."

"I like having you at Dalton with me" Blaine admitted hesitantly

"I didn't want Karofsky at McKinley" Kurt honestly stated

"Karofsky? Kurt what-?" Blaine paused, he compared Kurt to that monster. He actually did that. He should never do that to anyone let alone some as special and wonderful as Kurt. "Kurt did you think-?" he nodded tears welling up in his eyes, Blaine had to grab his hands to prevent him from hiding again, "No, I - … I shouldn't have said that you were like him because you are nothing like him. You hurt my feelings by not supporting me so I wanted to hurt yours and that was a low blow."

Again there was silence. Blaine breathed loudly, trying to keep himself from crying, " Is there … um do you … do you want to talk about it?" He paused, "I mean we don't have to, but if you want to-"

"Stop! Just stop okay?!" That was the loudest Kurt had spoken to Blaine, clearly he was angry about whatever Blaine was doing.

"Stop what? Kurt I am not doing anything!" Blaine silently reminded himself to stay calm.

"Pretending to care, no one cares about me. You have the warblers. My dad has Finn and Carole." Blaine choked on a few words shocked at Kurt. Did he really think this? Where would he ever get that idea?

"Kurt, that's not true your dad loves you and I lov- … you're my best friend and I care about you. I would be so lost with out you. None of the other warblers are my best friend and it's not just because you're gay so don't go throwing that out there. You know my favorite food and color and embarrassing secrets and fears, but that isn't what makes you my best friend. You're my best friend because I can talk to you about anything and I can trust you with a secret, because you'll always be honest will me and tell me what I need to hear especially if I don't want to hear it. And even though I got mad about the whole bi-curious thing you were right and I needed to hear it and I know you will always be there for me if I need you." … Blaine took a pause looking at Kurt's expression, "So you have to promise me you are never going to leave me, especially like this. I told you to call me whenever you needed someone to talk to or you felt like this. I don't care if we are fighting or not, you just tell me our fight needs to pause because you need your best friend … at least I hope I'm your best friend." He looked back down at his hands, a tear escaping his right eye, before reaching over to the dvd's he had brought, holding one in each hand to Kurt.

"Um so … Little Mermaid or Serendipity?"


	2. Letters

Dear Blaine,

I'm sorry. I am sorry for so much and I promise after this I will never bother you again. I just want to explain everything before I leave you. I guess it's best if I start from the beginning.

I never had anyone who understood me, and what I was going through. Mercedes was a wonderful friend but she never understood me and after Quinn stayed with her we kind of separated. Once she got close to the girls I didn't seem to fit in anymore. I was always too much of a girl to hang with the guys and somehow being a boy made me unable to hang with the girls, so I never really fit in anywhere. I called myself an honorary girl but I am still a guy and the girl jokes and calling me a lady still bother me, even if I don't show it.

I know after we met I was hesitant but I was being cautious and then I really got to know you and it felt so wonderful to know that I had someone who I had a lot in common with and someone who understands me. So I became attached to you and then I sort of fell in love with you. I didn't want it to happen again but it did. I knew when I fell in love with you I would probably lose you. It happens whenever I begin to get comfortable and happy. But then little things happened and I thought maybe just maybe you would love me back.

I have lost so much in my life. I have lost my first kiss. I have lost my mother. I almost lost my father. I didn't want to lose you too. But I guess I have and I can't really blame anyone but myself this time. You're right I am exactly like Karofsky. I may not have kissed you but I flirted with you even after you told me you wanted to just be friends. Then that whole kiss with Rachel happened and I got jealous. I am sorry I acted that way but I have lost so much to her. I lost Finn; I lost solo(s) in glee. (Though technically I gave up one for the sake of my father.) I didn't want to lose you to her as well.

I am tired Blaine. I am tired of fighting and of being brave and pretending to be okay. I'm not okay. I am still scared. I am scared that Karofsky will find me and make good of that threat, because I told, Blaine. Sometimes I lose sleep over it. Just thinking about him finding me and killing me, or worse. I am sorry for making you feel that way as well, sometimes I have trouble taking hints. I didn't even realize that Sam didn't want to sing with me till Finn pointed out how much of a predator I was being.

I know that you may think that this was not the best way to handle this, and that I should be strong and have courage, but no one really needs me here. You have all your friends at Dalton, and Rachel, and possibly some new friends from McKinely. My dad has Carole and Finn, who, lets be honest, is the son he has always wanted. I just know everyone would be better off without me. I wish you all the happiness and love. You will amount to great things Blaine, and whomever you fall in love with, male or female, is really lucky.

Love,

Kurt.

* * *

Dear Dad,

Take care of yourself. Don't eat too much junk, try to eat healthy and remember to take your medicine. I love you. I will miss you. I am sorry I couldn't be more like Finn. Try not to forget me.

Love,

Kurt.

* * *

Dear Carole and Finn,

Thank you for making my dad happy again. Please take care of him. Don't let him work too hard or eat too much junk. Make sure he does not forget to take his medicine, and that he goes to get regular check ups. Carole, I am sorry for making you throw away your honeymoon money on someone like me. I shouldn't have accepted, but thank you for trying to keep me safe. Finn, sorry for creeping you out, sorry you had to deal with someone like me. It was probably hard, but thanks for tolerating me and trying to stand up for me.


	3. Kurt's Attempt

All week Kurt had felt like he was slowly cracking. Before Blaine, before glee he was used to being alone. Now it just hurt knowing what he was missing. The drunken words Rachel had said to him echoed in his head every time he thought about texting or calling someone from glee. He considered calling Blaine telling him what he felt like, it was how their friendship had started, Blaine giving his number to Kurt him to call when he felt like he had nothing left. But Blaine was mad at him and ignored him this week in school. Kurt didn't blame him; it was his entire fault anyway.

He was thinking about it all week trying to find something to stop himself, but couldn't come up with anything. It wasn't like he had not thought of it before, most people think about it at least once, the only difference that his thinking this time turned into planning. He knew that he would be home alone today. Carole had the extra long shift at the hospital; his dad and Finn were going to be at the shop until late trying to get ahead on some repairs. Today there was time; today there would be easy access and no suspicions.

He grabbed a few blank sheets of his stationary and his pens, debating how many people he would write to, probably best to keep it to a minimum. He started with Carole and Finn there's would be the easiest and least emotional. Next was Blaine's, which took a lot longer and held more explanations and lots of apologizing. The tears he was holding ran down his cheeks blurring his vision. This had hurt more than he planned. He just hoped after explaining himself Blaine would forgive him, though he would understand if he didn't. He quickly wiped away his tears with the heel of his hand before starting on his dad's letter. He had no idea what to even say. He wished he could have been like Finn, he had tried but it obviously had not worked, maybe being like Finn wasn't enough. The letter was not as personal as he would have wanted; their relationship wasn't built on sharing emotions or feelings. He had inserted something more personal but decided against it and scratched it out. Normally he would worry about neatness and rewrite the whole letter but he didn't want to waste more time. He neatly folded them placing them in envelopes and leaving Carole's and Finn's along with his dad's letter on the mantel with their photos, Blaine's letter was left addressed on the counter with a stamp with the other mail that had needed to be sent out.

He pulled together a collection of pills from his dad's and Carole's medicine cabinet, some for sleeping, some for his dad's heart attack, some for pain. He grabbed some liquor that had been left over from the wedding and a fancy glass from the china cabinet before heading upstairs. He destroyed his phone before putting his iPod on its dock and playing the wicked album on repeat. He sat down on his bed slowly finishing off the pills and alcohol. Soon he began to feel numb. Halfway through his mind began to feel hazy and sick. He pushed to keep going and completing his task but he was starting to have trouble concentrating, he was also having difficulty with his motor skills though and finishing the pills seemed too hard and complicated. He didn't hear anyone come home and wasn't even aware that his dad had found him. Why was his dad here? Where were they? He seemed upset. He wanted to tell his dad that everything was okay and was going to be okay but he couldn't figure out how to get his mouth or voice to work together. He felt tired, he tried to close his eyes but his dad was yelling at him to stay awake. If he was yelling why did he sound far away? Why was his dad fighting to get him up? Who were these two guys? Why was one of them asking him for his name? Where did his dad go? What were they doing? No, he didn't want that. No, it hurt. "What did you take Kurt?" I don't know. "Yes you do Kurt; how much did you take?" I don't know. Stop.

The next couple days were a blur. Kurt mostly slept, a few people came into ask him some questions. Kurt begged and threated and yelled at Finn, Carole, and his Dad to not tell anyone including glee club and Blaine. As far as he knew they had not told anyone. After a week he begged his dad to let him go home. He missed his bed and his room. He hated hospitals, he watched his mother, and almost his dad, die in one; hospitals meant bad things. They sent someone home with Carole to get rid of anything he could use to harm himself before he was allowed home. Kurt cried for the first time since the incident when he saw his room. The doors were missing, his belts were gone, the scarf collection was away somewhere, his ties were removed, and his shoelaces were taken away.

It had been three days since coming home. Kurt had not moved much. He wouldn't have left his bed if he had a choice. He was acting like a zombie and he knew it. He was never allowed to be alone; someone was always with him. His dad had taken up sleeping in the same room as Kurt. Kurt hadn't admitted it but he didn't mind, it was less scary when he was holding his dads hand. Everything still hurt, especially the promises his family starting making that he knew they wouldn't keep. He still didn't want to go back to life and no one had made him yet. For now he stayed hidden in his home, sometimes crying, sometimes sleeping, not ready to admit why he had tried.


	4. Burt's Answer for Blaine

Sometime during the movie Kurt had fallen asleep. Blaine didn't mind, it gave him some time to collect his thoughts of everything that had happened together. Questions of why Kurt would feel that way. He never wanted to loose Kurt; he felt like he lost Kurt he would be losing the other half of himself. He also wondered why no one had told him sooner, asking himself if Kurt told them not to tell him. Maybe if Blaine had not been so selfish before Kurt won't have- "Blaine – do you mind coming downstairs and talking to me for a moment? There is something I want to tell you" Mr. Hummel seemed less intimidating than before. He sounded so tired. Blaine wondered how much thinking and questioning Mr. Hummel had been doing himself as he followed him slowly down the stairs and into the leaving room. Blaine took a seat on the sofa while Mr. Hummel sat in his normal chair, fidgeting with a piece of paper in his hands. "I know this is a lot to take in all in one day. You have done a lot of good for my son and I am glad that you are his best friend."

"Mr. Hummel, I should tell you that Kurt and I had got into an argument last week. It was stupid but I was selfish and I said some things I didn't mean. I am so sorry, it's my fault."

"It's no one's fault Blaine. We all should have paid a little more attention to Kurt. I know about your little fight, you're a kid, you're going to make mistakes and let emotions take over. I know you feel like you had let Kurt down but you really helped him out. He was so sad before he met you, he didn't really have a place to fit in, those glee kids he calls his friends weren't doing much for him. Then you came along and suddenly he is singing in the shower again and telling me about his day. He sometimes worried he was too annoying or needy or something, but true friends don't think that kind of stuff. I know you care an awful lot about Kurt or you wouldn't be here looking for him."

"I do care about him. I just don't understand why he wouldn't let me know what he was feeling"

"He didn't let anyone know. He begged us not to tell anyone what he- …." Burt paused swallowing hard, "That Rachel girl got some stupid idea into his head that no one cared about him and after his fight with you he made it all sound logical to himself."

Blaine nodded biting his tongue as angry tears started to well in his eyes.

"This is yours. It was addressed to you. I read it and I know it was private and I shouldn't have but my letter and Carole's letter didn't say much or give much explanation. Just him apologizing for not being like Finn or the son I wanted, which we all know isn't true, and I needed some type of answer so I looked in your letter and I am not sorry for reading but sorry for not asking you if I could first. Anyway it belongs to you and I think you should look at it."

Blaine took the letter with shaking hands. "Does Kurt know that you read the letters?"

"I think he forgot that he wrote them and I am not sure if he wrote them before or after he started-" He again cut off unable to say the words.

"I'm sorry … " Blaine looked at the letter in his hands feeling hot tears burn his eyes, "how are you able to get through this? I mean … I just .. Carole had mentioned you found him and I don't know how I would … "Blaine cut off suddenly wishing he had not asked that question.

"I just focus on the fact that I had found him in time. I tried calling him a couple times to ask him to bring me something I forgot and when he didn't pick up his phone I just came home to get it myself. Ten minutes later and …"

"Oh-"

"Read the letter, Blaine. It will explain some of what Kurt was thinking to you. It won't all make sense, but it may help."


End file.
